Colleen Speaks Blog

Dealing with Difficult People…

What We Can Learn from Dogs!
By Colleen Kettenhofen

“It’s not about being better than others. It’s about becoming better than ourselves.”
Colleen Kettenhofen

Your rockiest relationships can serve as your greatest teachers, and springboard you toward your greatest desires. Mine certainly have! Sometimes we learn how we never want to be from observing other people. Most of the proven tips for my “Secrets for Dealing with Difficult People” programs have come from personal experience. I’ve learned to make lemons from some pretty sour people.

What gave me a new leash on life was recognizing it’s about them. Difficult people are often unhappy people. Misery loves company. Don’t accept the invitation. Because if we’re still analyzing and dissecting everything they’ve said a week later, they control us. I’ve reached a point where I say the following mantra silently to myself: “THIS is a test. This is ONLY a test. This will NOT be important in 10 yrs!” Chances are it won’t be important even a year from now.

Understand where this difficult person in your life is coming from. Know it’s often a dark place of deep insecurity. They make themselves feel better by belittling you. Don’t fall prey to their disparaging remarks. Pretend you’re a duck. Let their comments fall off your back like water and roll into the gutter where they belong. Don’t communicate too much to “stand your ground.” You’ll only fan the flames of contentiousness. Don’t add fuel to an already explosive fire. Detach and move away from the fire. Otherwise, it’s YOU who gets burned.

This is why we can discover a lot from dogs. My dog, Joy, is a bright shining light in a sometimes dark world. For example, it’s amazing to see the joy (if you’ll pardon the pun) on people’s faces when they see her wet nose and wagging tail. She lives up to her name. My mom, Janet, used to say, “We can learn how to treat people from dogs.” She would exclaim, “They’re happy to see you. They show appreciation, kindness and love to almost everyone they meet.” My mother was this way. (Kind of get a lump in my throat hearing her voice and feeling her presence!) I want to emulate Janet. And I want to be like Joy. Observing Joy causes me to reflect and ask the question, “How much light do I want to have brought into this world?”

The challenge with difficult people is this: Not only do they lack bringing light. Difficult people are experts at snuffing out your candle flame. They know all the right buttons to press if you’re not wearing your bulletproof vest. They steal your joy and hijack your spirit. Difficult people suck the life out of you…which is why they’re called Emotional Vampires.

Sign up for Colleen’s free e-newsletter on life balance, overcoming adversity, dealing with difficult people, increasing sales, presentation skills and more: http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com/newsletter.htm

Watch speaker Colleen Kettenhofen’s video clips instantly at http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com/kettenhofen_video.htm

For Colleen Kettenhofen’s articles on leadership, life balance, overcoming adversity, dealing with difficult people, increasing sales, presentation skills and more: http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com/freearticles.htm

Colleen Kettenhofen is available for seminars, keynotes and breakout sessions by calling (623)340-7690 or, toll free (800)323-0683.

Colleen has two NEW books being published in June 2010.

Dog Rescue Poem

Animals bring so much joy to our lives. My own 49 pound rescue dog just happens to be named Joy and since I adopted her she has brought me just that! She doesn’t know that the reason I was so distracted today is because I’m working on a book about Joy, literally and figuratively, and how to be happy in spite of your circumstances. For all you animal lovers, here’s a great poem about rescuing dogs and the joy we can bring them:

    Dog Rescue Poem

Once I was a lonely dog,
Just looking for a home.
I had no place to go,
No one to call my own.
I wandered up and down the streets,
in rain in heat and snow.
I ate whatever I could find,
I was always on the go.
My skin would itch, my feet were sore,
My body ached with pain.
And no one stopped to give a pat
Or gently say my name.
I never saw a loving glance,
I was always on the run.
For people thought that hurting me
was really lots of fun.
And then one day I heard a voice
So gentle, kind and sweet,
And arms so soft reached down to me
And took me off my feet.
"No one again will hurt you"
Was whispered in my ear.
"You'll have a home to call your own
where you will know no fear"
"You will be dry, you will be warm,
you'll have enough to eat"
"And rest assured that when you sleep,
your dreams will all be sweet".
I was afraid I must admit,
I've lived so long in fear.
I can't remember when I let
A human come so near.
And as she tended to my wounds
And bathed and brushed my fur
She told me 'bout the rescue group
And what it meant to her.
She said, "We are a circle,
A line that never ends".
"And in the center there is you
protected by new friends".

"And all around you are
the ones that check the pounds,
And those that share their home
after you've been found".
"And all the other folk
are searching near and far".
"To find the perfect home for you,
where you can be a star".
She said, "There is a family,
that's waiting patiently,
and pretty soon we'll find them,
just you wait and see".
"And then they'll join our circle
they'll help to make it grow,
so there'll be room for more like you,
who have no place to go".
I waited very patiently,
The days they came and went.
Today's the day I thought,
my family will be sent.
Then just when I began to think
It wasn't meant to be,
there were people standing there
just gazing down at me.
I knew them in a heart beat,
I could tell they felt it too.
They said, "We have been waiting
for a special dog like you".
Now every night I say a prayer
to all the Gods that be.
"Thank you for the life I live
and all you've given me".
"But most of all protect the dogs
in the pound and on the street".
"And send a Rescue Person
to lift them off their feet".

www.ColleenSpeaks.com

Sermons We See, September 30, 2009

I conducted a keynote address at a Nebraska conference yesterday on leadership, managing people, and being an effective role model.  The key to winning respect and being a person of influence is not so much in what you say as in what you do. I read “Sermons We See,” and the audience loved it as it illustrates the importance of practicing what you preach:

Sermons We See

I’d rather see a sermon than hear one any day,
I’d rather one should walk with me than merely show the way.
The eye’s a better pupil and more willing than the ear;
Fine counsel is confusing, but example’s always clear;
And the best of all the preachers are the men who live their creeds,
For to see the good in action is what everybody needs.
I can soon learn how to do it if you’ll let me see it done.
I can watch your hands in action, but your tongue too fast may run.
And the lectures you deliver may be very wise and true;
But I’d rather get my lesson by observing what you do.
For I may misunderstand you and the high advice you give,
But there’s no misunderstanding how you act and how you live.

~ Edgar A. Guest
The Light of Faith

Colleen Kettenhofen is available for seminars, keynotes and breakout sessions by calling (623)340-7690 or, toll free (800)323-0683.

Sign up for Colleen’s free e-newsletter on leadership, life balance/overcoming adversity, dealing with difficult people, managing people, presentation skills and more: http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com/newsletter.htm

Watch speaker Colleen Kettenhofen’s video clips instantly at http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com/kettenhofen_video.htm

For Colleen Kettenhofen’s articles on leadership, life balance, dealing with difficult people, managing people, presentation skills and more: http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com/freearticles.htm

Risk

When we’re considering taking a risk, sometimes all we need is a little encouragement. Often, the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. Here’s a great saying:

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out for another is to risk involvement.

To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.

To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowds is to risk their loss.

To love is to risk not being loved.

To live is to risk dying.

To try is to risk failure.

To hope is to risk despair.

Risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing and is nothing.

A person may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow and live.

Chained by his servitudes, he is a slave.

He has forfeited his freedom.

Only a person who risks is free.

Sign up for Colleen’s free e-newsletter on leadership, life balance, dealing with difficult people, change management, managing people, presentation skills and more: http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com/newsletter.htm

For Colleen Kettenhofen’s articles on leadership, life balance, dealing with difficult people, change management, motivation, managing people, presentation skills, meeting and more visit http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com/freearticles.htm

Watch Colleen Kettenhofen’s live speaking engagements at
http:// www.ColleenSpeaks.com/kettenhofen_video.htm

Colleen is available for speaking engagements and seminars by calling (800)323-0683 toll free, or locally in Phoenix (623)340-7690.

Start Your Year Right! Boosting Morale and Productivity in Tough Times:

The Importance of Positive Self-Talk

The following saying is a great reminder for keeping the right attitude, having positive self-talk, and overall remaining positive, especially in tough times. Here it is:

An old Cherokee is telling his grandson about a fight that is going on inside himself. He said it is between two Wolves.

One is evil: Anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

The other is good: Joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which Wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The One I feed.”

Sign up for Colleen’s free e-newsletter on effective leadership, life balance, dealing with difficult people, managing people, presentation skills and more: http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com/newsletter.htm

Watch speaker Colleen Kettenhofen’s video clips instantly at http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com/kettenhofen_video.htm

For Colleen Kettenhofen’s articles on effective leadership, life balance, dealing with difficult people, managing people, presentation skills and more: http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com/freearticles.htm

Change Your Thinking, Change Your Circumstances

How to Stay Up in a Down Economy

In these tough times, it’s easy to get discouraged. Don’t use your energy to be down. Use your energy to be determined. Here are nine quick tips to give you a boost.

1. Refresh and reprogram your mind. Your subconscious mind is most amenable to suggestion your first hour upon awakening, and that last hour before bedtime. Be careful what you watch on tv and what books you read. I’ve actually had some friends say they’re no longer watching the news first thing in the morning because it’s too depressing. Think about reading some inspirational or motivational literature, or going for a walk.
2. Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due. Learn to overcome procrastination. Do the thing you like least first thing in the morning. If you can do something in 10 minutes, just do it. The longer you procrastinate, the harder it is to get started.
3. Focus on what you can control. Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want. Ever notice that when you’re driving, if you keep looking in a certain direction, that’s the direction your car goes? Same thing with your mind. Focus on where you WANT to go.
4. Don’t let the past dictate your future. See your failures as a stepping stone to your personal progress. Don’t take it personally. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. Let go the mistake but don’t lose the lesson.
5. Energy goes where attention flows. Think about….what you’re thinking about! This is important because the average person has 50,000 thoughts a day. 77% of those thoughts about ourselves are negative. Thoughts influence how we feel. How we feel influences our actions.
6. What you focus on the longest becomes the strongest. What you think about and focus on becomes your reality. This isn’t anything new. But sometimes we need to be reminded of it again.
7. The people you surround yourself with, and the books you read, determine 93% of your success.
8. Do something nice for someone else each day. It gets your mind off your circumstances and on to helping others.
9. Take an occasional day off. Do something you love. For example, yesterday I was in Sedona, Arizona enjoying the beautiful snow on the towering red rocks. We continued driving up highway 89 to Flagstaff which was blanketed in white and resembled a winter wonderland. It gave me renewed energy.
   

It’s never too late to change your thinking and change your circumstances. Change your thinking and you can change your life. Change is the only constant in a challenging economy. Make changes now. Don’t wait another day. The future is now.

The “Senility” Prayer

This is to add some fun and humor to your day. As opposed to the well-known Serenity Prayer, this is called the “Senility” Prayer. Here it is:

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

the good fortune to run into the ones I do,

and the eyesight to tell the difference.

From Chaos to Calm: 6 Quick Tips

“Professional life is like a fire hydrant. You spend all of your time putting out fires and standing your ground against the big dogs.” Dick Enberg

Chaos. The stock market…managing multiple projects that were due “yesterday,” and dealing with difficult people. All these things can stress us out leaving us feeling in the midst of chaos, change, and things beyond our control. The good news? There are some things within our control. And a key to feeling some semblance of order is in learning to manage the part we CAN control. You may not be able to affect the economy, but you can control your thought life, and your environment. Here are six steps to help you go from chaos to calm:

1. Get rid of clutter. Even if you spend 20 minutes filing papers, or cleaning out that junk drawer, you’ll be amazed how it can create more serenity in your mind. Just spending 20 minutes a day organizing, putting papers in the shredder, and filing can create a more serene environment and give you a more peaceful outlook.

2. Clear off your desk. Before you work on an important project, whether it’s paying bills, or writing a business letter, clear everything else off your desk. This will help clear your mind, keep you focused, and help you work single-mindedly on one task until it’s complete.

3. Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due. Often we spend more time worrying than just getting something done. Studies show hardest part of procrastination is getting started. Write down an exact time frame for when you’re going to work on that task. For example, I often have something like, “Write two business letters 2:00 p.m. to 3:00 p.m. Wednesday afternoon,” on a dry erase white board in my office. By seeing it all the time, I’m motivated to get it accomplished so I can erase it.

4. Hold yourself accountable. Find someone to be your accountability partner. Tell that person to hold your feet to the fire to make sure you accomplish that project by your deadline. Just don’t make it your boss!

5. Learn to deal with difficult people. You can quit your job because of a difficult patient, customer, co-worker, or difficult boss. But what will you find on your next job? More difficult people! Take a look at some articles I’ve written on dealing with difficult people at www.ColleenSpeaks.com/freearticles.htm

There are articles on dealing with difficult people such as whiners, blamers, know-it-alls, exploders, and gossips. And there are articles on how to increase your energy, managing people, overcoming adversity, and more.

Just know that in dealing with difficult people, often, it isn’t about you. It’s what’s going on with them. Incidentally, this blog also features a special category on dealing with difficult people, as well as a section on life balance to help you put everything into perspective.

6. Be realistic. Make sure you don’t have higher expectations of yourself than you have for everyone else. This is especially common for women. We’ve been brought up to be the good girls, the people-pleasers, and to tend to everyone’s needs but our own. There’s a fine line between getting a million things done, and knowing when it’s time to say “no.”

Lastly, don’t let the past dictate your future. Think about what you’re thinking about! Don’t dwell too long on past mistakes. Let go the mistake but don’t lose the lesson.

Colleen Kettenhofen is available for seminars, keynotes and breakout sessions by calling (623)340-7690 locally in Phoenix, or toll free (800)323-0683.

Sign up for Colleen’s free e-newsletter on leadership, life balance, dealing with difficult people, managing people, presentation skills and more: http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com/newsletter.htm

Watch speaker Colleen Kettenhofen’s video clips: http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com/kettenhofen_video.htm

For Colleen Kettenhofen’s articles on leadership, life balance, dealing with difficult people, managing people, presentation skills and more: http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com/freearticles.htm

3 Secrets for Dealing with Difficult People!

“The person who constantly angers you or frustrates you…controls you.”

Colleen Kettenhofen

Do you know any difficult people? Have you ever worked or lived with a difficult person? Are you a difficult person?! It’s amazing how many participants come up to me at the end of one of my programs and confide, ‘Colleen, I think sometimes I’m a difficult person and just realized it today!’ We can all be difficult at times. But what do you do with the person who is chronically difficult?

A key to getting through the upcoming holidays is learning to live with difficult people. Because there will always be difficult people. Here are three points to remember:

1)    All behavior has a positive intention.
2)    Low self-esteem is often the culprit.
3)    You won’t always please everyone.

All behavior has a positive intention. Take for example the gossip. When someone is always gossiping about everyone else, who are they trying to make look better? Themselves. That’s their positive intention. They frequently have low self-esteem. They don’t realize that when they’re gossiping about others, that people are thinking, “I wonder what they say about me when I’m not around?!”

Lastly, you can’t please everyone. Sometimes for whatever reason, someone won’t like you. Be careful with your words. I often have my participants take the following pledge. It adds humor but gets the point across: “On my honor, I promise, when dealing with a difficult person, that I will bite my tongue and count to ten, because if I don’t, I may say something that I will live to regret!”

Colleen Kettenhofen is a dynamic speaker and author who has appeared on television talk shows as well as conducted over 1,000 programs worldwide for top corporations and associations since 1995.

Colleen Kettenhofen is available for seminars, keynotes and breakout sessions by calling (623)340-7690.

Sign up for Colleen’s free e-newsletter on leadership, life balance, dealing with difficult people, managing people, presentation skills and more: http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com/newsletter.htm

Watch speaker Colleen Kettenhofen’s video clips at http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com/kettenhofen_video.htm

For Colleen Kettenhofen’s articles on leadership, life balance, dealing with difficult people, managing people, presentation skills and more: http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com/freearticles.htm

Leadership and Life Balance: Dreams Are To Be Followed

This is by Divya Chandler, who at the time, was a resident in anesthesia and perioperative care at the University of California San Francisco Medical School.

Her advice to graduating high school students, printed in USA Today, January 18th, 2006, is motivational for anyone…especially those in leadership positions managing people, or who are self-employed, or in sales:

“Expect everything of yourself; there is no limit to what you can achieve if you put no limits. Do not ever put any achievement out of your purview if it is something you might want. Keep your childhood dreams with you as an adult. They are a reflection of how your soul is trying to guide you in life. Failing is OK. If you try 10 times, you may fail nine of them, but it is only the one success that counts. Use outward goals to direct your progress, but remember that ultimately, the path you take is more important than the end you reach.”

 Colleen Kettenhofen is available for seminars, keynotes and breakout sessions by calling (623)340-7690.

Sign up for Colleen’s free e-newsletter on effective leadership, life balance, dealing with difficult people, managing people, presentation skills and more: http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com/newsletter.htm

Watch speaker Colleen Kettenhofen’s video clips instantly at http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com/kettenhofen_video.htm

For Colleen Kettenhofen’s articles on effective leadership, life balance, dealing with difficult people, managing people, presentation skills and more: http://www.ColleenSpeaks.com/freearticles.htm